My Cancelled Wedding: Lessons

I originally started this blog to share with you nutrition and exercise tips...
But, there is tons of these tips out on the internet and on other blogs.
And what works for one person- doesn't work for another!

What I can do though, is open up my life to you. So you can learn the lessons I learn, and you can relate to me, and create a connection with me.

I have COURAGE.
The word "Courage" comes from the latin root "cor", which means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
I have the courage to be imperfect. And I am willing to let go of what I thought I should be, in order to be who I am.

If you have been reading my blogs, you have learned my struggles as a model and with my ego, my struggles being bullied and not accepted. My struggles with what life is supposed to be, and my question of, "Why are we here? What is our purpose?". My experience with the death of family members, and my experience of cancelling my wedding.

Before I started this, I wanted everyone to think that I was "Perfect". That I live a fabulous, glamorous life as a fitness model.
Not anymore, I am going to fully embrace vulnerability.

I want to write about some lessons I learned from my cancelled marriage.
Cancelling a marriage two weeks before the date is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I want to share with you my experience of dealing with everything after such as: starting life over, my emotions of shame, guilt, sadness. And then dealing with the feelings of finding out that his heart was somewhere else (ouch). And while I was trying to move on, he visits my work with this new girlfriend.
Also... My experience of being the crazy ex.


Relationships can be compared to a job in a way: if you love it, you will do your best. If you don't like it, you will start slacking until you get fired so you can move on.
That is what was happening near our wedding date, both of us were slacking. I tried making things better, but it wasn't working.


In my heart, I knew I didn't want to get married. My brain was telling me to go through with it. Everything was set and paid for. Everyone was invited and they booked their hotel rooms. The resort was expensive for all of us.
I was in a very comfortable situation: had everything a girl could ever ask for. A man that loves her and will take care of her, a big beautiful house, the money, cars, food, dates, flowers, hot tub, gym, etc.

I read some articles, and talked with people.
I've talked with other women who, in the last moment, didn't want to marry, but went through with it... They ended up in an unhappy relationship- and they are too scared to leave it!

It would have been SO easy for me to go through with it! I could easily convince myself that I was happy and that I was making the right decision.
I thought about what would happen if I did cancel it... I would be going against EVERYONE's expectations! Everyone would be mad at me, I would have to have a good explanation... I would waste a lot of money, I would break his heart, I would have to start life all over...


But... as a Life Coach, I tell people to listen to their "gut", listen to their "heart". Because the heart cannot lie, whereas your brain can- Your brain can be conditioned.
I was willing to give up all my comforts, lose everything I have and all the dreams I have... To stand for my truth.

I found the courage within me- I stood my truth.
It WAS NOT EASY.
But... It was worth it. After the pain and emotions, and the closing of one chapter... It opened up a lot for me: Personal Growth.

Stand your truth... Listen to your heart.
Find the courage to be imperfect, and to let go of what you think you should be, in order to be who you are.
Things may be rough, things may be uncomfortable for a bit, but in the end, you are closer to being who you truly are.

Here's a genuine smile from me :)
Gotta love seeing naked people at the beach!

My cancelled wedding

For those of you who don't know me personally, you are probably wondering what happened to me! It has been a long time since I wrote my last blog.

I was supposed to get married May 11, 2013, but it was cancelled two weeks before.

It is not very often that you hear of cancelled weddings!


When we found out that my dad was going to pass soon, we felt rushed to get married so that he could see our wedding. I scheduled it as soon as I could (6 months from the proposal).
After my dad and grandma passed, things got very rough for me. I was more confused than ever about life. Behind my smiles, laughter, and positivity, there was a lot of sadness that I was hiding.

With those events, it really took a toll on our relationship. Then someone was also trying to interfere with our relationship through online means (thedirty.com).

I started to expect my Hunny to make me happy. I wanted him to spend more time with me, and I started getting angry that he couldn't. I was becoming a totally different person from when he met me.

So many things were happening since the day we decided to get married- So many signs.
I was even getting sick once or twice a month- I rarely get sick!

Something inside me told me that I shouldn't get married. I was so scared, and I really just wanted someone to tell me that its a natural feeling, or that I should pay attention to that feeling.
Everything was paid for, everyone booked their hotel, and the Wedding party had all their stuff. Everything was set. There was no way I could tell my Hunny that I wasn't ready!

On the day of my Bridal shower, I was very very sad. All the girls came to support me and my wedding. And I knew that I wasn't ready. I felt more pressured than ever. Things were getting real.

That night, my Hunny knew something was wrong. He could sense it.
Of course, being a girl, I said, "Nothings wrong".
But he persisted.
I told him, "I am not ready to get married, but I feel like I have to."
All he said was, "I will love you forever".

The next day he told me that the wedding was cancelled.

It was a rough month, we kept pointing the finger at each other- blaming one another for the problems.
Lots of anger, frustration, and sadness.

We didn't know where to go from there, so I took a trip out to Halifax to visit my sister.
When I got back, I had to move out. It was time to move on.

It was a very scary feeling- Not knowing what my future holds! Before, I knew what was going to happen: I knew I was going to get married, start a family, and live happily ever after.
Now... there wasn't even a vision of any future in my mind. I thought I was doomed!

I went from going to living in a big beautiful house... To a little basement room (that leaks when it rains). And sharing 1 bathroom and 1 kitchen with 4 other people! But I was pretty happy! It was exciting to start life all over!
I got my living situation settled, next: work.
I was way too emotional and I was such a disaster to manage my business (nutrition consulting). I just gave up. I couldn't talk to my clients without breaking down or venting.
I wanted to get as many jobs as possible to keep me busy and to prevent me from thinking.

I met Graham, owner of Alliance Martial Arts gym. He said I could do the nutrition and personal training for his gym. They were in the middle of moving locations. So from the end of May till now, I have been at the new gym helping.
I was so happy to be able to help. It felt like an art piece, making an empty building into a masterpiece.
It also kept my mind busy, and something to strive for everyday.

Then I was also hired at a new Pub called "Bell N' Whistle". I thought it would be great for me to work there during the lunch times, then spend the rest of the time at the gym. I really enjoy it!

I went back to working at my weekend job- A country bar. It is actually so much fun! I get paid to hang out with such fun people!

Things are going great for me, lots of opportunities have been opening up (Modelling, work, new friends). I feel strong again.
I do still feel sadness: I feel like I've lost my best friend. But if you love someone, you let them go!
I feel very lonely, but I promised myself to stay single and not be with anyone for 6 months until I get my independence and strength up. At such a weak point, it is so easy to fall for someone. Mostly for the comfort.

I feel that life puts us in many situations to teach us something or to help us grow. And if we don't learn from it the first time, we will the next time.

Thank you for reading.
Do what is best for you- be Courageous!

Ying Tan