Lost.

My mind has been busy.
It cannot rest.
I have never been so lost in my life.
The more I learn the more I realize how much I don't know.

Imagine.

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"Chocolate or Vanilla?"

Easy choice for you.

Now...

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"I have Nine hundred types of amazing ice creams,
Please choose one."

How do you choose?!

They all look so good, and it is so hard to settle for one choice.
When you pick one, you might be unsatisfied, always wondering if you picked the right one, or if you should have picked one of the other ones.

It seems like we are never satisfied.
Probably because we know that there may be something bigger and better for us.
We won't be happy until we have "the best", and we may always be searching... Changing jobs, friends, opportunities, and partners in search for the best.
We have so many options available to us.

I have never been so lost in my life.
And I feel so rushed to decide what I want, and decide who I want to be.

Should I stay in this city, or should I move?
Should I go back to school? And if I do, what should I take?

I think my generation is pressured to make a decision as soon as they can.
We are rushed to become someone... or else be no one.
And if we are a "nobody", we aren't worthy.
.

Self-worth has been a recurring topic in my head.
I think my whole life I have been trying to become worthy of love.
And I always thought, if I didn't achieve this or that, if I wasn't this person, would anybody love me?
Would anybody care for me? Why would anybody talk to me.

Lately, I've been telling myself that I am enough.
I am worthy of love.

And you are too. <3

(I'm not done this blog post, I don't even know what I am trying to say, but it sure feels good to organize my thoughts and share it)
Thank you to those who are helping me by providing your thoughts, advice, and experience.

A Fitness model sick of looking at Fitness models?!?!

I've been scrolling down my Facebook Newsfeed, I've been sick of looking at Fitness models.
I don't want to see them any more.

Why?

Because the pictures of these models are unrealistic.
Make up
Extreme Dieting
Photo shop

They are giving an unrealistic view of beauty and health.
Making women feel like they are not enough, women are becoming desperate to look like them.

Influencing women to go on diets, starve themselves, go on pills, surgeries, gastric bypass...
Buy tightening creams, face creams, make up, hair products, fake hair, fake lashes... On and on.

I feel like I am not enough when seeing all these fitness models on my news feed. I am not lean enough, I'm not pretty enough. I start looking in the mirror comparing myself to these models.

But wait...
I am doing the exact same thing.
The other side of me (read my previous blog about my alter ego).

If I am really bothered by this... Why do I continue to be part of the problem?

I have a fanpage, where I post all my "fitness" photos.
When I had those photos taken, I was unhealthy.
I dieted for so long.
I didn't enjoy life doing it.
I couldn't go out, I couldn't go eat out at a restaurant.
I couldn't go on vacations.
I couldn't go out on dates.
I couldn't go to birthday parties.
I couldn't eat anything that wasn't on my diet plan.
I couldn't miss a workout.
I wasn't as happy as I thought.

I convinced myself that I was happy. We tend to make up a narrative in our head to justify our actions or to make the best of the situation/choices we make. (Confirmation Bias)

Anyways, back to my question, Why do I keep this fanpage? Why can't I delete it?

1- Sunk Fallacy Cost
 It is difficult to abandon something that you put so much time/effort & money into

and

2- It's my ego.
I feel that if I delete it, I will be a nobody.
I have built up a story about who I am (or who I thought I was).
Now I will have to create a new one.

3- I am financially dependent on it.


I don't have a solution to this, but this is an internal battle I wanted to share with you.
Confessions of an Ex Fitness Model maybe?

I am actually just a normal girl with the same problems as others.
I still have self esteem issues.
I am working on my "self-worthiness" (I am worthy, I am enough).

The positive side to having this "Alter Ego Fitness Model"... I get to reach out to you.
I've been at the position where I looked like a Fitness model. I can tell you that that was unhealthy.
That I don't want you to get to that position.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side ;)

Update:
I am not intending to hurt any fitness model's feelings or challenge their lifestyle.
And this is not an excuse for me to eat whatever.
I eat very healthy and I exercise moderately.

This is a snapshot of me today.
This is the happy healthy version of me. I don't have abs, not super ripped and lean.

I always have positive affirmations written on my mirror.
No more negative self talk