Guilt: What message am I telling young women?

A few years ago, I volunteered for a program called "Big Sisters Big Brothers".
Every week I spent time with a "little sister"... I was to be a role model, a friend, and a big sister.

As I got more into the "fitness industry", I started spending less time with her...
The reason why, is because of the guilt I felt.

I felt this guilt again this summer when I was the personal trainer for a soccer group of teen girls.
I didn't want them to know who I was, because I didn't want them to view me as a role model

What message am I portraying to these young developing girls who are trying to discover themselves?
The girls that want to be loved and appreciated?
...
That in order to be loved and appreciated... You must be "pretty" or "sexy"??


This is what I thought when I was younger... And where did it get me?
I base by self worth and value by the way I look, and the way men gave their attention to me... Not by how intelligent, kind, and caring I am.
And now I struggle with self-esteem... And many other issues such as self worth, body image, relationships, objectification, etc.

If you look at my photos, they are basically pornographic pictures, disguised as "fitness and health" photos!!!!
Sadly, that is what the fitness industry has become now.

I am honestly afraid of the images and ideas of "being a girl", that we send out to the young women. Look at teen magazines now, clothing advertisements, barbies, bratz dolls, etc.

I am sorry for the messages that I have given men, women, girls, and boys through my pictures.
But hopefully, my experiences will also be a lesson to myself and others.

I need to tell the girls that what's important, is not how you look.
YOU are not your appearance. YOU are what is behind that- the way you treat yourself, the way you see yourself, and the way you treat others.
Discover yourself through your hobbies and interests, not through your appearance, through shopping, or by admiring celebrities.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, no matter what anyone tells you.
Take care of your mind and body, and be yourself.

"Slut"... Letting go of my Past: Sexual Guilt and Shame

"Slut"... You can judge someone based on a split-second...

WARNING:  Explicit topic

Today's topic is very hard for me to write about. It is something I don't talk about with anyone because I have so many feelings of guilt and shame tied to it.


Last night I was asked about my sexuality in the past, and it brought up so much emotion.
I put my past sex life in a locked up box hoping to forget about it.
I woke up this morning crying and feeling awful. I tried to understand why I felt this way.


I rarely talk to anybody about my sexuality. I grew up thinking that sex was sinful.
In junior high school, I remember signing a "Chastity Card", promising that I would not engage in sex until marriage.

When I was 15, my parents let a male (8 years older than me) live with us for a while.
One day, he tried to kiss me. I was upset and scared, I did not know how to deal with it.
I remember the next day, I didn't want to come home... I didn't want to see this man. It was late at night, I sat outside and hid for hours until everybody was asleep.
At that moment, I realized that I didn't have to come home.

I started going out to party and drink, and not coming home until the early hours of the morning.
One night I was out with some friends, and we found strangers to "pull" alcohol for us (we were only 15 and needed someone to purchase our alcohol). These men were not from our province and were only in our town for work. We ended up drinking with them... I ended up drinking way too much.

I woke up in so much pain that I could barely walk. A few days later I went to school with so much guilt and shame, and heard from a classmate that this man told someone that he had sex with me while I was passed out.

I was so upset because I was saving that for marriage... And I lost it at the age of 15 while passed out drunk to a stranger.
I gave up and decided to just... "let go" & give up that sense of sacredness.

My next sexual experience after that was awful. Again, intoxicated.

My whole summer at the age of 15 was a mess. I don't remember much, but I drank a lot, and started "sleeping around". Every time I had sex, I didn't want to. It was because I was afraid to say no... Or, I slept with the men that bullied me, in hopes that they stopped bullying me... It did work... But I started hearing the words "slut" a lot at school.

My partying scene didn't last long. I quit drinking that fall. (I've only drank on my 19th birthday since then, and on a couple occasions after!)
I went to school with my head down and couldn't look at anybody, because all I could hear was the word "slut" (in my head). I gave up having friends, I just stopped talking to my good friends. I stopped talking to everybody... Isolated myself so that no one could hurt me.

I turned 16, and right away filled up my time with work and working out. I had 2 part time jobs, a few extracurricular activities, and studied hard.
I found myself a boyfriend, and he was the only person I talked to. Since then, I've always been in long term relationships.

Although I have "cleaned up", my past still comes up and continues to haunt me. By writing this, I hope that it will no longer haunt me, but become an important part of my journey that has shaped the beautiful person I am today.

I believe that I am strong, spiritual... My religion is "Kindness", my goal is to put a smile on the people's faces that I come across.
I do not drink, swear, smoke, or party.
I work very hard to achieve the goals I set for myself.
I share my life with you- open to vulnerability- in order to help others and to expand my world.

Sharing my experiences is part of my healing process and I hope that I can bring compassion to the women who have gone through similar experiences.
I would also like to open up the topic so that people can feel comfortable talking about such a taboo subject and maybe shed some light on the harm and damage that can be caused by labelling someone a slut. By hearing the effect a single word has had on my life, I hope people can stop themselves from judging others and rather reach out to understand them.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Lost.

My mind has been busy.
It cannot rest.
I have never been so lost in my life.
The more I learn the more I realize how much I don't know.

Imagine.

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"Chocolate or Vanilla?"

Easy choice for you.

Now...

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"I have Nine hundred types of amazing ice creams,
Please choose one."

How do you choose?!

They all look so good, and it is so hard to settle for one choice.
When you pick one, you might be unsatisfied, always wondering if you picked the right one, or if you should have picked one of the other ones.

It seems like we are never satisfied.
Probably because we know that there may be something bigger and better for us.
We won't be happy until we have "the best", and we may always be searching... Changing jobs, friends, opportunities, and partners in search for the best.
We have so many options available to us.

I have never been so lost in my life.
And I feel so rushed to decide what I want, and decide who I want to be.

Should I stay in this city, or should I move?
Should I go back to school? And if I do, what should I take?

I think my generation is pressured to make a decision as soon as they can.
We are rushed to become someone... or else be no one.
And if we are a "nobody", we aren't worthy.
.

Self-worth has been a recurring topic in my head.
I think my whole life I have been trying to become worthy of love.
And I always thought, if I didn't achieve this or that, if I wasn't this person, would anybody love me?
Would anybody care for me? Why would anybody talk to me.

Lately, I've been telling myself that I am enough.
I am worthy of love.

And you are too. <3

(I'm not done this blog post, I don't even know what I am trying to say, but it sure feels good to organize my thoughts and share it)
Thank you to those who are helping me by providing your thoughts, advice, and experience.

A Fitness model sick of looking at Fitness models?!?!

I've been scrolling down my Facebook Newsfeed, I've been sick of looking at Fitness models.
I don't want to see them any more.

Why?

Because the pictures of these models are unrealistic.
Make up
Extreme Dieting
Photo shop

They are giving an unrealistic view of beauty and health.
Making women feel like they are not enough, women are becoming desperate to look like them.

Influencing women to go on diets, starve themselves, go on pills, surgeries, gastric bypass...
Buy tightening creams, face creams, make up, hair products, fake hair, fake lashes... On and on.

I feel like I am not enough when seeing all these fitness models on my news feed. I am not lean enough, I'm not pretty enough. I start looking in the mirror comparing myself to these models.

But wait...
I am doing the exact same thing.
The other side of me (read my previous blog about my alter ego).

If I am really bothered by this... Why do I continue to be part of the problem?

I have a fanpage, where I post all my "fitness" photos.
When I had those photos taken, I was unhealthy.
I dieted for so long.
I didn't enjoy life doing it.
I couldn't go out, I couldn't go eat out at a restaurant.
I couldn't go on vacations.
I couldn't go out on dates.
I couldn't go to birthday parties.
I couldn't eat anything that wasn't on my diet plan.
I couldn't miss a workout.
I wasn't as happy as I thought.

I convinced myself that I was happy. We tend to make up a narrative in our head to justify our actions or to make the best of the situation/choices we make. (Confirmation Bias)

Anyways, back to my question, Why do I keep this fanpage? Why can't I delete it?

1- Sunk Fallacy Cost
 It is difficult to abandon something that you put so much time/effort & money into

and

2- It's my ego.
I feel that if I delete it, I will be a nobody.
I have built up a story about who I am (or who I thought I was).
Now I will have to create a new one.

3- I am financially dependent on it.


I don't have a solution to this, but this is an internal battle I wanted to share with you.
Confessions of an Ex Fitness Model maybe?

I am actually just a normal girl with the same problems as others.
I still have self esteem issues.
I am working on my "self-worthiness" (I am worthy, I am enough).

The positive side to having this "Alter Ego Fitness Model"... I get to reach out to you.
I've been at the position where I looked like a Fitness model. I can tell you that that was unhealthy.
That I don't want you to get to that position.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side ;)

Update:
I am not intending to hurt any fitness model's feelings or challenge their lifestyle.
And this is not an excuse for me to eat whatever.
I eat very healthy and I exercise moderately.

This is a snapshot of me today.
This is the happy healthy version of me. I don't have abs, not super ripped and lean.

I always have positive affirmations written on my mirror.
No more negative self talk