"Slut"... Letting go of my Past: Sexual Guilt and Shame

"Slut"... You can judge someone based on a split-second...

WARNING:  Explicit topic

Today's topic is very hard for me to write about. It is something I don't talk about with anyone because I have so many feelings of guilt and shame tied to it.


Last night I was asked about my sexuality in the past, and it brought up so much emotion.
I put my past sex life in a locked up box hoping to forget about it.
I woke up this morning crying and feeling awful. I tried to understand why I felt this way.


I rarely talk to anybody about my sexuality. I grew up thinking that sex was sinful.
In junior high school, I remember signing a "Chastity Card", promising that I would not engage in sex until marriage.

When I was 15, my parents let a male (8 years older than me) live with us for a while.
One day, he tried to kiss me. I was upset and scared, I did not know how to deal with it.
I remember the next day, I didn't want to come home... I didn't want to see this man. It was late at night, I sat outside and hid for hours until everybody was asleep.
At that moment, I realized that I didn't have to come home.

I started going out to party and drink, and not coming home until the early hours of the morning.
One night I was out with some friends, and we found strangers to "pull" alcohol for us (we were only 15 and needed someone to purchase our alcohol). These men were not from our province and were only in our town for work. We ended up drinking with them... I ended up drinking way too much.

I woke up in so much pain that I could barely walk. A few days later I went to school with so much guilt and shame, and heard from a classmate that this man told someone that he had sex with me while I was passed out.

I was so upset because I was saving that for marriage... And I lost it at the age of 15 while passed out drunk to a stranger.
I gave up and decided to just... "let go" & give up that sense of sacredness.

My next sexual experience after that was awful. Again, intoxicated.

My whole summer at the age of 15 was a mess. I don't remember much, but I drank a lot, and started "sleeping around". Every time I had sex, I didn't want to. It was because I was afraid to say no... Or, I slept with the men that bullied me, in hopes that they stopped bullying me... It did work... But I started hearing the words "slut" a lot at school.

My partying scene didn't last long. I quit drinking that fall. (I've only drank on my 19th birthday since then, and on a couple occasions after!)
I went to school with my head down and couldn't look at anybody, because all I could hear was the word "slut" (in my head). I gave up having friends, I just stopped talking to my good friends. I stopped talking to everybody... Isolated myself so that no one could hurt me.

I turned 16, and right away filled up my time with work and working out. I had 2 part time jobs, a few extracurricular activities, and studied hard.
I found myself a boyfriend, and he was the only person I talked to. Since then, I've always been in long term relationships.

Although I have "cleaned up", my past still comes up and continues to haunt me. By writing this, I hope that it will no longer haunt me, but become an important part of my journey that has shaped the beautiful person I am today.

I believe that I am strong, spiritual... My religion is "Kindness", my goal is to put a smile on the people's faces that I come across.
I do not drink, swear, smoke, or party.
I work very hard to achieve the goals I set for myself.
I share my life with you- open to vulnerability- in order to help others and to expand my world.

Sharing my experiences is part of my healing process and I hope that I can bring compassion to the women who have gone through similar experiences.
I would also like to open up the topic so that people can feel comfortable talking about such a taboo subject and maybe shed some light on the harm and damage that can be caused by labelling someone a slut. By hearing the effect a single word has had on my life, I hope people can stop themselves from judging others and rather reach out to understand them.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross