To my girlfriends struggling with body image.

R.I.P Ying Ying Tan (The alter ego of moi!)

I've been out of the "fitness scene" for a few years now... And honestly, I have never been more self-confident with myself!

I wrote this blog a few months ago, but was unable to share it because I was afraid of criticism, or for hurting other people's feelings... But now I would like to share it.

This is for my girlfriends who are struggling with their body image.

The best thing that I have done... was to "unfollow" all of my Fitness idols, Fitness mags, etc.
To get myself completely out of there.

I found that when you are idolizing someone, you are automatically putting yourself below. You are not content with yourself, and never will be until you stop comparing yourself to others.

When I was a fitness model... I had a BIG EGO.
Yes, I probably thought I was better than others.
But actually... I had huge insecurities and needed the approval/recognition of everyone else to fill me.
 I needed to see people say, "Oh wow... You are so gorgeous. You are so fit... I wish I looked like you".
Without that... I wasn't happy with myself. I defined myself as only a fitness model... That's probably all I talked about, and that's all people knew me as.

Though the image was supposed to be "healthy" ... It was the opposite. Unhealthy for my body, my mind, my heart. And unhealthy for others.

... Breeding a generation of eating disorders, narcissists.?.. Making others feel like they are not enough, or that they are lazy, etc.

No, you don't need to follow and see what they eat.
You ALREADY KNOW. You don't need somebody to tell you.
You know you need to eat real whole foods
You know vegetables and fruit are good for you.
You know that chemicals sprayed on food are probably not good for you.
You know that animals that have been mistreated and injected with hormones- are not good to eat.
You know exercise is good for you (any type of movement)
You may have been led to believe you don't know.... Because businesses want your money. You need to buy the latest protein supplements, pills, gear, etc.

I feel awful for telling my girlfriends to "unfollow" their idols/models/competitors... (Because I have lots of friends who are models and are an inspiration for others)... But if you are comfortable with your body and you are not comparing yourself... Go ahead and support them!
If you find yourself constantly unhappy with yourself... Go ahead and try getting out of that scene. Stop comparing yourself to them. Stop idolizing them.
Start working on loving and accepting yourself, and your body.

Guilt: What message am I telling young women?

A few years ago, I volunteered for a program called "Big Sisters Big Brothers".
Every week I spent time with a "little sister"... I was to be a role model, a friend, and a big sister.

As I got more into the "fitness industry", I started spending less time with her...
The reason why, is because of the guilt I felt.

I felt this guilt again this summer when I was the personal trainer for a soccer group of teen girls.
I didn't want them to know who I was, because I didn't want them to view me as a role model

What message am I portraying to these young developing girls who are trying to discover themselves?
The girls that want to be loved and appreciated?
...
That in order to be loved and appreciated... You must be "pretty" or "sexy"??


This is what I thought when I was younger... And where did it get me?
I base by self worth and value by the way I look, and the way men gave their attention to me... Not by how intelligent, kind, and caring I am.
And now I struggle with self-esteem... And many other issues such as self worth, body image, relationships, objectification, etc.

If you look at my photos, they are basically pornographic pictures, disguised as "fitness and health" photos!!!!
Sadly, that is what the fitness industry has become now.

I am honestly afraid of the images and ideas of "being a girl", that we send out to the young women. Look at teen magazines now, clothing advertisements, barbies, bratz dolls, etc.

I am sorry for the messages that I have given men, women, girls, and boys through my pictures.
But hopefully, my experiences will also be a lesson to myself and others.

I need to tell the girls that what's important, is not how you look.
YOU are not your appearance. YOU are what is behind that- the way you treat yourself, the way you see yourself, and the way you treat others.
Discover yourself through your hobbies and interests, not through your appearance, through shopping, or by admiring celebrities.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you, no matter what anyone tells you.
Take care of your mind and body, and be yourself.

"Slut"... Letting go of my Past: Sexual Guilt and Shame

"Slut"... You can judge someone based on a split-second...

WARNING:  Explicit topic

Today's topic is very hard for me to write about. It is something I don't talk about with anyone because I have so many feelings of guilt and shame tied to it.


Last night I was asked about my sexuality in the past, and it brought up so much emotion.
I put my past sex life in a locked up box hoping to forget about it.
I woke up this morning crying and feeling awful. I tried to understand why I felt this way.


I rarely talk to anybody about my sexuality. I grew up thinking that sex was sinful.
In junior high school, I remember signing a "Chastity Card", promising that I would not engage in sex until marriage.

When I was 15, my parents let a male (8 years older than me) live with us for a while.
One day, he tried to kiss me. I was upset and scared, I did not know how to deal with it.
I remember the next day, I didn't want to come home... I didn't want to see this man. It was late at night, I sat outside and hid for hours until everybody was asleep.
At that moment, I realized that I didn't have to come home.

I started going out to party and drink, and not coming home until the early hours of the morning.
One night I was out with some friends, and we found strangers to "pull" alcohol for us (we were only 15 and needed someone to purchase our alcohol). These men were not from our province and were only in our town for work. We ended up drinking with them... I ended up drinking way too much.

I woke up in so much pain that I could barely walk. A few days later I went to school with so much guilt and shame, and heard from a classmate that this man told someone that he had sex with me while I was passed out.

I was so upset because I was saving that for marriage... And I lost it at the age of 15 while passed out drunk to a stranger.
I gave up and decided to just... "let go" & give up that sense of sacredness.

My next sexual experience after that was awful. Again, intoxicated.

My whole summer at the age of 15 was a mess. I don't remember much, but I drank a lot, and started "sleeping around". Every time I had sex, I didn't want to. It was because I was afraid to say no... Or, I slept with the men that bullied me, in hopes that they stopped bullying me... It did work... But I started hearing the words "slut" a lot at school.

My partying scene didn't last long. I quit drinking that fall. (I've only drank on my 19th birthday since then, and on a couple occasions after!)
I went to school with my head down and couldn't look at anybody, because all I could hear was the word "slut" (in my head). I gave up having friends, I just stopped talking to my good friends. I stopped talking to everybody... Isolated myself so that no one could hurt me.

I turned 16, and right away filled up my time with work and working out. I had 2 part time jobs, a few extracurricular activities, and studied hard.
I found myself a boyfriend, and he was the only person I talked to. Since then, I've always been in long term relationships.

Although I have "cleaned up", my past still comes up and continues to haunt me. By writing this, I hope that it will no longer haunt me, but become an important part of my journey that has shaped the beautiful person I am today.

I believe that I am strong, spiritual... My religion is "Kindness", my goal is to put a smile on the people's faces that I come across.
I do not drink, swear, smoke, or party.
I work very hard to achieve the goals I set for myself.
I share my life with you- open to vulnerability- in order to help others and to expand my world.

Sharing my experiences is part of my healing process and I hope that I can bring compassion to the women who have gone through similar experiences.
I would also like to open up the topic so that people can feel comfortable talking about such a taboo subject and maybe shed some light on the harm and damage that can be caused by labelling someone a slut. By hearing the effect a single word has had on my life, I hope people can stop themselves from judging others and rather reach out to understand them.

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.” 
― Elisabeth Kübler-Ross

Lost.

My mind has been busy.
It cannot rest.
I have never been so lost in my life.
The more I learn the more I realize how much I don't know.

Imagine.

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"Chocolate or Vanilla?"

Easy choice for you.

Now...

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"I have Nine hundred types of amazing ice creams,
Please choose one."

How do you choose?!

They all look so good, and it is so hard to settle for one choice.
When you pick one, you might be unsatisfied, always wondering if you picked the right one, or if you should have picked one of the other ones.

It seems like we are never satisfied.
Probably because we know that there may be something bigger and better for us.
We won't be happy until we have "the best", and we may always be searching... Changing jobs, friends, opportunities, and partners in search for the best.
We have so many options available to us.

I have never been so lost in my life.
And I feel so rushed to decide what I want, and decide who I want to be.

Should I stay in this city, or should I move?
Should I go back to school? And if I do, what should I take?

I think my generation is pressured to make a decision as soon as they can.
We are rushed to become someone... or else be no one.
And if we are a "nobody", we aren't worthy.
.

Self-worth has been a recurring topic in my head.
I think my whole life I have been trying to become worthy of love.
And I always thought, if I didn't achieve this or that, if I wasn't this person, would anybody love me?
Would anybody care for me? Why would anybody talk to me.

Lately, I've been telling myself that I am enough.
I am worthy of love.

And you are too. <3

(I'm not done this blog post, I don't even know what I am trying to say, but it sure feels good to organize my thoughts and share it)
Thank you to those who are helping me by providing your thoughts, advice, and experience.

A Fitness model sick of looking at Fitness models?!?!

I've been scrolling down my Facebook Newsfeed, I've been sick of looking at Fitness models.
I don't want to see them any more.

Why?

Because the pictures of these models are unrealistic.
Make up
Extreme Dieting
Photo shop

They are giving an unrealistic view of beauty and health.
Making women feel like they are not enough, women are becoming desperate to look like them.

Influencing women to go on diets, starve themselves, go on pills, surgeries, gastric bypass...
Buy tightening creams, face creams, make up, hair products, fake hair, fake lashes... On and on.

I feel like I am not enough when seeing all these fitness models on my news feed. I am not lean enough, I'm not pretty enough. I start looking in the mirror comparing myself to these models.

But wait...
I am doing the exact same thing.
The other side of me (read my previous blog about my alter ego).

If I am really bothered by this... Why do I continue to be part of the problem?

I have a fanpage, where I post all my "fitness" photos.
When I had those photos taken, I was unhealthy.
I dieted for so long.
I didn't enjoy life doing it.
I couldn't go out, I couldn't go eat out at a restaurant.
I couldn't go on vacations.
I couldn't go out on dates.
I couldn't go to birthday parties.
I couldn't eat anything that wasn't on my diet plan.
I couldn't miss a workout.
I wasn't as happy as I thought.

I convinced myself that I was happy. We tend to make up a narrative in our head to justify our actions or to make the best of the situation/choices we make. (Confirmation Bias)

Anyways, back to my question, Why do I keep this fanpage? Why can't I delete it?

1- Sunk Fallacy Cost
 It is difficult to abandon something that you put so much time/effort & money into

and

2- It's my ego.
I feel that if I delete it, I will be a nobody.
I have built up a story about who I am (or who I thought I was).
Now I will have to create a new one.

3- I am financially dependent on it.


I don't have a solution to this, but this is an internal battle I wanted to share with you.
Confessions of an Ex Fitness Model maybe?

I am actually just a normal girl with the same problems as others.
I still have self esteem issues.
I am working on my "self-worthiness" (I am worthy, I am enough).

The positive side to having this "Alter Ego Fitness Model"... I get to reach out to you.
I've been at the position where I looked like a Fitness model. I can tell you that that was unhealthy.
That I don't want you to get to that position.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side ;)

Update:
I am not intending to hurt any fitness model's feelings or challenge their lifestyle.
And this is not an excuse for me to eat whatever.
I eat very healthy and I exercise moderately.

This is a snapshot of me today.
This is the happy healthy version of me. I don't have abs, not super ripped and lean.

I always have positive affirmations written on my mirror.
No more negative self talk

I've created an Alter Ego. "The sexy flirtatious bikini model"

THERE ARE TWO OF ME!

I have the real me.

And I have the fake me.

The real Ying:

I am a home body and very shy, timid, philosophical, emotional.

The fake Ying:

A sexy flirtatious bikini/fitness model.

The real Ying didn't have confidence when out in Public.

I couldn't make friends, or I couldn't get anyone to notice me: I didn't talk...

(Mostly because I am sensitive and any criticism would make me shrivel and want to hide.)

Back in the days, the only way to make friends was for me to hide behind a computer screen and chat with strangers.

I could be who ever I wanted, and say whatever I wanted without being judged. 

I created an alter ego in order for me to become confident, and "become someone" since I didn't think I was "enough", or "interesting enough" to be your friend.

It is very interesting... As soon as I did my hair, put makeup on, false lashes, high heels, sexy clothing...

BAM! I was a completely different person.

I could talk and flirt with anyone.

In my first magazine appearance, I couldn't wait to show everyone.

"Look! Look! Guess who that?! That is me! That is YING".

I started to believe that the sexy half naked girl in the pictures was me.

But it's not me, I see it now.

One of the reason why I was so excited to show people, was to feed my Ego.

To get that attention.

I am constantly growing and looking within. 

Looking at the "ugly" part of me. Looking at my flaws and insecurities.

As I've been doing this, I've started to become very distant with my alter ego... Or maybe just more aware.

I now look at those pictures, and... I just don't care as much. It's not me. It's not Ying.

I see her as someone else, a separate body from mine.

I am very honoured, and I do appreciate being in magazines... 

But I am comfortable with who I truly am now. I don't need the compliments and attention any more.

Sometimes I am uncomfortable revealing my body to every one.

Sometimes I feel a guilt. 

Being that unachievable body - (I was actually unhealthy when I got that lean and fit).

Being a part of the media telling girls how they should look. Being a part of today's problems of vanity, consumerism, eating disorders, sex and masturbation addictions.

I know that. And I struggle with that.

But I really hope, that some of you might notice my picture... Do some further research, and find out that that girl in the picture has a message.

She has something to share with you.

Read her blogs. See her struggles, see her insights, see her views on what life is. 

Her experiences with life, death, ego, material vs spiritual, consumerism, the planet, etc. 

And its working.

I get emails from people who admit their guilt of viewing me as a sexy object.

But once they start reading about me, they start relating to me, and understanding me. They open up and they allow themselves to be vulnerable. They admit their own problems and struggles.

Once we look at our flaws and securities, our problems and struggles- We can work on them. Strive to improve and become a better person :D

Single life & Self-Development

I have been single for almost 7 months now.
I told myself that I wanted to be single for atleast 6 months, in order to "find myself".
To become strong and independent.
I'm also learning to enjoy life more (I used to be a hermit)- "hanging out" with people, maybe enjoying a glass of wine (after 7 years of no alcohol!).

I know that after heartbreak, it is so easy to be swept up by someone else. To find someone who can comfort you and fill in that hole... Someone to "complete" you.
I resisted. I fought the temptation. I felt the pain & loneliness, and I embraced it... I knew that by doing this, I would bring back the strong independent woman within me.

I believe that I have been successful! (I will probably talk about them in future blogs)
So much has happened to me in the past 7 months.
7 months ago, it felt like I was at the bottom. I could not see any future- it was all gone. Where would I go? Who would I be with? What will I be doing? Who am I?
Many of you have experienced this feeling too after ending a serious relationship. But trust me, things will get better.

Last night I was talking with a friend, let's call him Jr, about self-development.

First: Is recognizing my faults. A long time ago, when someone used to 'criticize' me, I was very defensive... But now, I find that I rarely am. Right now, I can't be hurt.
The reason is because I have searched inside myself. I've uncovered the ugly in me. I acknowledged it, tried to understand it, and strive to improve. I am well aware of my faults and my insecurities.

We also agreed that reading has helped a lot. Not the action of reading, but creating a relationship with the author by reading their story.

Then Jr said, "by losing a lot."
The more that we lose, the more that we learn.

There was a long long pause. That is because I stop and I think.
I appreciate that he allows silence, and gives me time to think.

I was thinking about the times I've learnt the most... And it is when I have lost.
A year ago when I lost my dad, that is when my whole life turned around.
That is when my last relationship started to fall apart.
Some people thought that I lost myself... (I did turn pretty hippie and spiritual, which was a complete 180)
But really, I think that is when I found myself.
It was a realization of what life is NOT about. (Its not all about the material goods and what we can accumulate). What life is about... I'm not exactly sure yet, and maybe I'll never know!


Jr told me that everyone has their own life path and time line.
It is not up to us to decide who learns what and when.

I have been paying very close attention to the people that enter my life, and the events that occur. I try to understand, what message do they have? What are they trying to teach me?

"I say the universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers. And a whisper in your life usually feels like 'hmm, that's odd.' Or, 'hmm, that doesn't make any sense.' Or, 'hmm, is that right?' It's that subtle. And if you don't pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder. I say it's like getting thumped upside the head. If you don't pay attention to that, it's like getting a brick upside your head. You don't pay attention to that—the brick wall falls down. That is the pattern that I see in my life and so many other people's lives. And so, I ask people, 'What are the whispers? What's whispering to you now?'" — Oprah

Sometimes I may not learn the lesson at the opportunity, but it will come back for me.
And sometimes, I find that I am someone's teacher.
Last night, I received a message saying, "...I learned so much about myself, life and relationships in the short time I knew you, you were my greatest teacher."

Receiving this type of comment is very fulfilling :)

Thank you for taking the time to read :)
Namaste

Ying Tan