Lost.

My mind has been busy.
It cannot rest.
I have never been so lost in my life.
The more I learn the more I realize how much I don't know.

Imagine.

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"Chocolate or Vanilla?"

Easy choice for you.

Now...

You walk into my ice cream shop.
I ask you,
"I have Nine hundred types of amazing ice creams,
Please choose one."

How do you choose?!

They all look so good, and it is so hard to settle for one choice.
When you pick one, you might be unsatisfied, always wondering if you picked the right one, or if you should have picked one of the other ones.

It seems like we are never satisfied.
Probably because we know that there may be something bigger and better for us.
We won't be happy until we have "the best", and we may always be searching... Changing jobs, friends, opportunities, and partners in search for the best.
We have so many options available to us.

I have never been so lost in my life.
And I feel so rushed to decide what I want, and decide who I want to be.

Should I stay in this city, or should I move?
Should I go back to school? And if I do, what should I take?

I think my generation is pressured to make a decision as soon as they can.
We are rushed to become someone... or else be no one.
And if we are a "nobody", we aren't worthy.
.

Self-worth has been a recurring topic in my head.
I think my whole life I have been trying to become worthy of love.
And I always thought, if I didn't achieve this or that, if I wasn't this person, would anybody love me?
Would anybody care for me? Why would anybody talk to me.

Lately, I've been telling myself that I am enough.
I am worthy of love.

And you are too. <3

(I'm not done this blog post, I don't even know what I am trying to say, but it sure feels good to organize my thoughts and share it)
Thank you to those who are helping me by providing your thoughts, advice, and experience.

A Fitness model sick of looking at Fitness models?!?!

I've been scrolling down my Facebook Newsfeed, I've been sick of looking at Fitness models.
I don't want to see them any more.

Why?

Because the pictures of these models are unrealistic.
Make up
Extreme Dieting
Photo shop

They are giving an unrealistic view of beauty and health.
Making women feel like they are not enough, women are becoming desperate to look like them.

Influencing women to go on diets, starve themselves, go on pills, surgeries, gastric bypass...
Buy tightening creams, face creams, make up, hair products, fake hair, fake lashes... On and on.

I feel like I am not enough when seeing all these fitness models on my news feed. I am not lean enough, I'm not pretty enough. I start looking in the mirror comparing myself to these models.

But wait...
I am doing the exact same thing.
The other side of me (read my previous blog about my alter ego).

If I am really bothered by this... Why do I continue to be part of the problem?

I have a fanpage, where I post all my "fitness" photos.
When I had those photos taken, I was unhealthy.
I dieted for so long.
I didn't enjoy life doing it.
I couldn't go out, I couldn't go eat out at a restaurant.
I couldn't go on vacations.
I couldn't go out on dates.
I couldn't go to birthday parties.
I couldn't eat anything that wasn't on my diet plan.
I couldn't miss a workout.
I wasn't as happy as I thought.

I convinced myself that I was happy. We tend to make up a narrative in our head to justify our actions or to make the best of the situation/choices we make. (Confirmation Bias)

Anyways, back to my question, Why do I keep this fanpage? Why can't I delete it?

1- Sunk Fallacy Cost
 It is difficult to abandon something that you put so much time/effort & money into

and

2- It's my ego.
I feel that if I delete it, I will be a nobody.
I have built up a story about who I am (or who I thought I was).
Now I will have to create a new one.

3- I am financially dependent on it.


I don't have a solution to this, but this is an internal battle I wanted to share with you.
Confessions of an Ex Fitness Model maybe?

I am actually just a normal girl with the same problems as others.
I still have self esteem issues.
I am working on my "self-worthiness" (I am worthy, I am enough).

The positive side to having this "Alter Ego Fitness Model"... I get to reach out to you.
I've been at the position where I looked like a Fitness model. I can tell you that that was unhealthy.
That I don't want you to get to that position.

The grass isn't always greener on the other side ;)

Update:
I am not intending to hurt any fitness model's feelings or challenge their lifestyle.
And this is not an excuse for me to eat whatever.
I eat very healthy and I exercise moderately.

This is a snapshot of me today.
This is the happy healthy version of me. I don't have abs, not super ripped and lean.

I always have positive affirmations written on my mirror.
No more negative self talk

I've created an Alter Ego. "The sexy flirtatious bikini model"

THERE ARE TWO OF ME!

I have the real me.

And I have the fake me.

The real Ying:

I am a home body and very shy, timid, philosophical, emotional.

The fake Ying:

A sexy flirtatious bikini/fitness model.

The real Ying didn't have confidence when out in Public.

I couldn't make friends, or I couldn't get anyone to notice me: I didn't talk...

(Mostly because I am sensitive and any criticism would make me shrivel and want to hide.)

Back in the days, the only way to make friends was for me to hide behind a computer screen and chat with strangers.

I could be who ever I wanted, and say whatever I wanted without being judged. 

I created an alter ego in order for me to become confident, and "become someone" since I didn't think I was "enough", or "interesting enough" to be your friend.

It is very interesting... As soon as I did my hair, put makeup on, false lashes, high heels, sexy clothing...

BAM! I was a completely different person.

I could talk and flirt with anyone.

In my first magazine appearance, I couldn't wait to show everyone.

"Look! Look! Guess who that?! That is me! That is YING".

I started to believe that the sexy half naked girl in the pictures was me.

But it's not me, I see it now.

One of the reason why I was so excited to show people, was to feed my Ego.

To get that attention.

I am constantly growing and looking within. 

Looking at the "ugly" part of me. Looking at my flaws and insecurities.

As I've been doing this, I've started to become very distant with my alter ego... Or maybe just more aware.

I now look at those pictures, and... I just don't care as much. It's not me. It's not Ying.

I see her as someone else, a separate body from mine.

I am very honoured, and I do appreciate being in magazines... 

But I am comfortable with who I truly am now. I don't need the compliments and attention any more.

Sometimes I am uncomfortable revealing my body to every one.

Sometimes I feel a guilt. 

Being that unachievable body - (I was actually unhealthy when I got that lean and fit).

Being a part of the media telling girls how they should look. Being a part of today's problems of vanity, consumerism, eating disorders, sex and masturbation addictions.

I know that. And I struggle with that.

But I really hope, that some of you might notice my picture... Do some further research, and find out that that girl in the picture has a message.

She has something to share with you.

Read her blogs. See her struggles, see her insights, see her views on what life is. 

Her experiences with life, death, ego, material vs spiritual, consumerism, the planet, etc. 

And its working.

I get emails from people who admit their guilt of viewing me as a sexy object.

But once they start reading about me, they start relating to me, and understanding me. They open up and they allow themselves to be vulnerable. They admit their own problems and struggles.

Once we look at our flaws and securities, our problems and struggles- We can work on them. Strive to improve and become a better person :D

Single life & Self-Development

I have been single for almost 7 months now.
I told myself that I wanted to be single for atleast 6 months, in order to "find myself".
To become strong and independent.
I'm also learning to enjoy life more (I used to be a hermit)- "hanging out" with people, maybe enjoying a glass of wine (after 7 years of no alcohol!).

I know that after heartbreak, it is so easy to be swept up by someone else. To find someone who can comfort you and fill in that hole... Someone to "complete" you.
I resisted. I fought the temptation. I felt the pain & loneliness, and I embraced it... I knew that by doing this, I would bring back the strong independent woman within me.

I believe that I have been successful! (I will probably talk about them in future blogs)
So much has happened to me in the past 7 months.
7 months ago, it felt like I was at the bottom. I could not see any future- it was all gone. Where would I go? Who would I be with? What will I be doing? Who am I?
Many of you have experienced this feeling too after ending a serious relationship. But trust me, things will get better.

Last night I was talking with a friend, let's call him Jr, about self-development.

First: Is recognizing my faults. A long time ago, when someone used to 'criticize' me, I was very defensive... But now, I find that I rarely am. Right now, I can't be hurt.
The reason is because I have searched inside myself. I've uncovered the ugly in me. I acknowledged it, tried to understand it, and strive to improve. I am well aware of my faults and my insecurities.

We also agreed that reading has helped a lot. Not the action of reading, but creating a relationship with the author by reading their story.

Then Jr said, "by losing a lot."
The more that we lose, the more that we learn.

There was a long long pause. That is because I stop and I think.
I appreciate that he allows silence, and gives me time to think.

I was thinking about the times I've learnt the most... And it is when I have lost.
A year ago when I lost my dad, that is when my whole life turned around.
That is when my last relationship started to fall apart.
Some people thought that I lost myself... (I did turn pretty hippie and spiritual, which was a complete 180)
But really, I think that is when I found myself.
It was a realization of what life is NOT about. (Its not all about the material goods and what we can accumulate). What life is about... I'm not exactly sure yet, and maybe I'll never know!


Jr told me that everyone has their own life path and time line.
It is not up to us to decide who learns what and when.

I have been paying very close attention to the people that enter my life, and the events that occur. I try to understand, what message do they have? What are they trying to teach me?

"I say the universe speaks to us, always, first in whispers. And a whisper in your life usually feels like 'hmm, that's odd.' Or, 'hmm, that doesn't make any sense.' Or, 'hmm, is that right?' It's that subtle. And if you don't pay attention to the whisper, it gets louder and louder and louder. I say it's like getting thumped upside the head. If you don't pay attention to that, it's like getting a brick upside your head. You don't pay attention to that—the brick wall falls down. That is the pattern that I see in my life and so many other people's lives. And so, I ask people, 'What are the whispers? What's whispering to you now?'" — Oprah

Sometimes I may not learn the lesson at the opportunity, but it will come back for me.
And sometimes, I find that I am someone's teacher.
Last night, I received a message saying, "...I learned so much about myself, life and relationships in the short time I knew you, you were my greatest teacher."

Receiving this type of comment is very fulfilling :)

Thank you for taking the time to read :)
Namaste

Ying Tan

My Cancelled Wedding: Lessons

I originally started this blog to share with you nutrition and exercise tips...
But, there is tons of these tips out on the internet and on other blogs.
And what works for one person- doesn't work for another!

What I can do though, is open up my life to you. So you can learn the lessons I learn, and you can relate to me, and create a connection with me.

I have COURAGE.
The word "Courage" comes from the latin root "cor", which means to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
I have the courage to be imperfect. And I am willing to let go of what I thought I should be, in order to be who I am.

If you have been reading my blogs, you have learned my struggles as a model and with my ego, my struggles being bullied and not accepted. My struggles with what life is supposed to be, and my question of, "Why are we here? What is our purpose?". My experience with the death of family members, and my experience of cancelling my wedding.

Before I started this, I wanted everyone to think that I was "Perfect". That I live a fabulous, glamorous life as a fitness model.
Not anymore, I am going to fully embrace vulnerability.

I want to write about some lessons I learned from my cancelled marriage.
Cancelling a marriage two weeks before the date is probably one of the hardest things I've done. I want to share with you my experience of dealing with everything after such as: starting life over, my emotions of shame, guilt, sadness. And then dealing with the feelings of finding out that his heart was somewhere else (ouch). And while I was trying to move on, he visits my work with this new girlfriend.
Also... My experience of being the crazy ex.


Relationships can be compared to a job in a way: if you love it, you will do your best. If you don't like it, you will start slacking until you get fired so you can move on.
That is what was happening near our wedding date, both of us were slacking. I tried making things better, but it wasn't working.


In my heart, I knew I didn't want to get married. My brain was telling me to go through with it. Everything was set and paid for. Everyone was invited and they booked their hotel rooms. The resort was expensive for all of us.
I was in a very comfortable situation: had everything a girl could ever ask for. A man that loves her and will take care of her, a big beautiful house, the money, cars, food, dates, flowers, hot tub, gym, etc.

I read some articles, and talked with people.
I've talked with other women who, in the last moment, didn't want to marry, but went through with it... They ended up in an unhappy relationship- and they are too scared to leave it!

It would have been SO easy for me to go through with it! I could easily convince myself that I was happy and that I was making the right decision.
I thought about what would happen if I did cancel it... I would be going against EVERYONE's expectations! Everyone would be mad at me, I would have to have a good explanation... I would waste a lot of money, I would break his heart, I would have to start life all over...


But... as a Life Coach, I tell people to listen to their "gut", listen to their "heart". Because the heart cannot lie, whereas your brain can- Your brain can be conditioned.
I was willing to give up all my comforts, lose everything I have and all the dreams I have... To stand for my truth.

I found the courage within me- I stood my truth.
It WAS NOT EASY.
But... It was worth it. After the pain and emotions, and the closing of one chapter... It opened up a lot for me: Personal Growth.

Stand your truth... Listen to your heart.
Find the courage to be imperfect, and to let go of what you think you should be, in order to be who you are.
Things may be rough, things may be uncomfortable for a bit, but in the end, you are closer to being who you truly are.

Here's a genuine smile from me :)
Gotta love seeing naked people at the beach!

My cancelled wedding

For those of you who don't know me personally, you are probably wondering what happened to me! It has been a long time since I wrote my last blog.

I was supposed to get married May 11, 2013, but it was cancelled two weeks before.

It is not very often that you hear of cancelled weddings!


When we found out that my dad was going to pass soon, we felt rushed to get married so that he could see our wedding. I scheduled it as soon as I could (6 months from the proposal).
After my dad and grandma passed, things got very rough for me. I was more confused than ever about life. Behind my smiles, laughter, and positivity, there was a lot of sadness that I was hiding.

With those events, it really took a toll on our relationship. Then someone was also trying to interfere with our relationship through online means (thedirty.com).

I started to expect my Hunny to make me happy. I wanted him to spend more time with me, and I started getting angry that he couldn't. I was becoming a totally different person from when he met me.

So many things were happening since the day we decided to get married- So many signs.
I was even getting sick once or twice a month- I rarely get sick!

Something inside me told me that I shouldn't get married. I was so scared, and I really just wanted someone to tell me that its a natural feeling, or that I should pay attention to that feeling.
Everything was paid for, everyone booked their hotel, and the Wedding party had all their stuff. Everything was set. There was no way I could tell my Hunny that I wasn't ready!

On the day of my Bridal shower, I was very very sad. All the girls came to support me and my wedding. And I knew that I wasn't ready. I felt more pressured than ever. Things were getting real.

That night, my Hunny knew something was wrong. He could sense it.
Of course, being a girl, I said, "Nothings wrong".
But he persisted.
I told him, "I am not ready to get married, but I feel like I have to."
All he said was, "I will love you forever".

The next day he told me that the wedding was cancelled.

It was a rough month, we kept pointing the finger at each other- blaming one another for the problems.
Lots of anger, frustration, and sadness.

We didn't know where to go from there, so I took a trip out to Halifax to visit my sister.
When I got back, I had to move out. It was time to move on.

It was a very scary feeling- Not knowing what my future holds! Before, I knew what was going to happen: I knew I was going to get married, start a family, and live happily ever after.
Now... there wasn't even a vision of any future in my mind. I thought I was doomed!

I went from going to living in a big beautiful house... To a little basement room (that leaks when it rains). And sharing 1 bathroom and 1 kitchen with 4 other people! But I was pretty happy! It was exciting to start life all over!
I got my living situation settled, next: work.
I was way too emotional and I was such a disaster to manage my business (nutrition consulting). I just gave up. I couldn't talk to my clients without breaking down or venting.
I wanted to get as many jobs as possible to keep me busy and to prevent me from thinking.

I met Graham, owner of Alliance Martial Arts gym. He said I could do the nutrition and personal training for his gym. They were in the middle of moving locations. So from the end of May till now, I have been at the new gym helping.
I was so happy to be able to help. It felt like an art piece, making an empty building into a masterpiece.
It also kept my mind busy, and something to strive for everyday.

Then I was also hired at a new Pub called "Bell N' Whistle". I thought it would be great for me to work there during the lunch times, then spend the rest of the time at the gym. I really enjoy it!

I went back to working at my weekend job- A country bar. It is actually so much fun! I get paid to hang out with such fun people!

Things are going great for me, lots of opportunities have been opening up (Modelling, work, new friends). I feel strong again.
I do still feel sadness: I feel like I've lost my best friend. But if you love someone, you let them go!
I feel very lonely, but I promised myself to stay single and not be with anyone for 6 months until I get my independence and strength up. At such a weak point, it is so easy to fall for someone. Mostly for the comfort.

I feel that life puts us in many situations to teach us something or to help us grow. And if we don't learn from it the first time, we will the next time.

Thank you for reading.
Do what is best for you- be Courageous!

Ying Tan

Self-Respect: Your body image

Last week, in the morning before hopping into the shower, I caught myself looking in the mirror, and thinking a lot of negative things.
I was complaining about all the things I don't like about my body.

"Yikes! I look jiggly, I can see some cellulite, I'm breaking out, I look pale..."

When I stopped and listened to what my thoughts were, I realized that I had to stop the negative self talk. I have been unconsciously doing this for several months!
I see it often with my clients too. Many will cry about their appearance! But when I go meet them in person, all I see is beauty!! I wish that I could show them what I see.

We are constantly bringing ourselves down.
Many of us keep noticing "what's wrong" with us.

We need to stop that, and start think about all the things we love about ourselves.
I starting listing all the things I love about myself, and I instantly felt better! (Good way to start the day)

We need to give ourselves some self-respect. (It is always there, you just have to access it)
Start loving yourself.
You are f*cking awesome! There is not one individual in this universe that is the same as you.

Help your family and friends feel the same. Catch them when they are talking negatively.
They may not even notice how negative they are, but bring attention to it. And then tell them what you like about them!!



What also has been on my mind: (For the single people out there)
I have talked to a lot of my single male friends. They think that need a super hot muscular body in order to get girls.
NO!
Not at all.
Sure... You might get some hot little chicks... But if they are choosing a man based on your body... You don't want them. (You know why)
You want a woman that loves and appreciates YOU (not talking about your looks).

What a girl is actually looking for, is a man who can take care of himself. If he can take care of himself, that probably means he can take care of a family. :)

So focus on you. Put yourself as #1.

Thank you for reading this! :D
Love,
Ying